Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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