Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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