I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
