what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
