He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
