so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
