I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
