Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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