I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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