tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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