My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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