Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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