watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
