i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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