I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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