Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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