i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
