i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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