Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
