Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drunk is not a location!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
