end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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