well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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