Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
