Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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