I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
