omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
be right there i have to get my cape
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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