Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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