I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
