I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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