No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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