It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
