When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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