Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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