Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
