Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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