he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
