I hate all girls vehemently.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I want a musical about memes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
