I'm pants shitting drunk right now
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
