talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
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I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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