You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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