My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
