please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
