i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
