A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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