Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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