True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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