honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
