how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
