we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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