Heybabeimwearingurpanties
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
