Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
