"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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