Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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