I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you would pick up someone in the library
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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