Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
