Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
