Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
