I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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