You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
