I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
