fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
