Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
