I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
